inthewateriambeautiful's Xanga

Something about prayer...

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 20:25:40 GMT

Something that I've been thinking about an awful lot lately, mostly because I work at a Christian camp and I hear it an awful lot, but when people say: "Please keep that in prayer" or "I'll be praying for you." or "Lift it up in prayer", it really irritates me.

It bugs me for a couple of reasons. First of all, what if we didn't pray about it, whatever it may be. Does that mean God's not going to hear it? Or know about it? Does that mean he's not going to work His magic or whatever he does when we pray about things? If we lift things to God in prayer, does that make them more special than issues that don't come forward?
If God really has a plan for everything, does it matter if we ask for things in prayer? He already knows whats going to happen.
If this is true, The only thing we can really ask for is peace of mind. That we may be able to accept and obey God's plan for us. Past, present and future.
In my struggle with religion, and Christianity...I've come up with more questions than resolutions to anything. Truthfully, I think that is the way it should be. Faith should be unresolved, that's how faith can stay alive. That's how I can be constantly searching for new ideas, expanding my believes, and that's how God becomes more known.

"Quit asking God to bless what you're doing.
Get involved in what God is doing - it's already blessed"
~ from Bono's address at the Nat'l Prayer Breakfast in 2006

Wonderwall.

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 04:48:00 GMT

Well crap, I am a very terrible blogger.
But thats ok, because I am pretty much great at everything else.

So whats new with me...
Work has been great. I am currently on day 5 of my 11 day work week. But I can't complain. Really. Its just a bunch of fun with a bunch of great people. I work nights usually 5pm-midnightish. Lately, we've been going out drinking afterwards. So I havent been getting home until 3am or so. I dont sleep much anymore, but thats ok because I drink about 7 shots of espresso and 3 cups of coffee a day. I am kidding.....I only drink 5 shots. Someone's going to have a heartattack at the age of 25?!?! Tomorrow is movie night at the Goat, they show independant artsy films at night. Most of the time, they're pretty crazy. My co-worker Jordan and I decided we were going to watch our own movie on him laptop in the back. The Neverending Story. Hell yeah. So excited for that!

Last weekend was spent at Camp. Seeing all my favorite people I havent seen or talked to in like a year. We did the high ropes course training, so I spent 2 days up in the trees with ropes and crazythings like that. How much do I love camp, too much. Its crazy, camp is home. Actually, pretty soon it will be home. Laura got the associate director position and now I am going to move in with her in January. Free rent baby! I actually get to make money and keep it now. Plus, I live right at the bottom of Mt. Hood. 30 minutes away from P-town. I have a river running through my back yard. And 132 acres of forest to play in.

I've been in contact with Aaron via email. We write a couple times a week, he's absolutely great in Japan. I can just tell that the past couple weeks he has grown so much. I got this email from him that just melted my heart.
He said: (I bolded the good parts)

"so, in the time that i spend alone, which is quite often, i do a lot of processing. a conclusion reached: you have taught me the beauty of forgiveness. there have been countless situations in which i have done the wrong thing. i have acted like an asshole to you and just had some down-right awful timing. i have not been good to you quite often but you never stopped our friendship. you seemingly forgave me for being an asshole and because of that, we have the friendship that we do, which i adore. that fact has shown me quite a bit about reacting to my emotions and seeing situations from multiple sides. most importantly, it has shown me just how important it is to forgive someone, especially when you can see through the situation at hand. there are times one needs to forgive and move-on completely; there are the other situations when you forgive and continue growing. those are the relationships, i think, where one learns the most. you learn how to accept a situation and see that whether or not you're with the person romantically, you see their greatness and you love and care for them. and that's enough to float you on. you don't need to hold and pin that person simply because you see their beauty; you need to appreciate it and just let it be. you see, you have taught me. think about that the next time you feel shitty about yourself."

He is so great, I cannot express to you the care I have for this boy. There are few people, in my life especially, who make an impact so great as he. Oh and I have this picture he sent from the website of the school he teaches at.

I'm so proud of him.

Well ok I am tired and I have a long day tomorrow. So night night cyber world.
Love, Jess

The train of life...

Thu, 31 May 2007 18:23:20 GMT

So I really think that it's time for a much needed update. So much to say I am not sure where to begin.

I started my new job at The Wandering Goat coffee shop. And I absolutely love everything about it. Everyone that works there is freaking fantastic. And from what I hear they all love me too. I'm geeking out on learning everything I can about coffee and what it takes to make a good cup.

I'm practicing my hearts and rosettas
We're actually going to start serving beer at night too. So I'm going to be like a bartender?! Crazy huh?
Its really just a lot of fun. And I am really looking forward to spending the summer there.

Speaking of summer, the weather has just been crazy gorgeous. Which is probably why I havent been home either. My apartment is like a little hotbox, and I cant bring myself to turn on the a.c. yet, for fear of rising electricity bill. Summer is here early and I can't complain.

Kyra and I are supposed to go out tomorrow evening to celebrate her last day working at Palace. (She's leaving for Maine in a month.) We went out last weeking too with some of my co-workers. I have bruises on my legs from crashing my bike to prove it.

And finally, I had to say goodbye to my greatest friend Aaron last night. Which was probably one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do. After helping him finish up packing, he said goodbye to eugene and I drove him up to his friends house in portland. His flight left early this morning. It's so weird how close you can become to someone in just a matter of months. But I think my friendship with Aaron is one of the closest friendships I've ever had in my life. And it wasn't about a relationship, or sex, it was just so real. He helped me grow up so much, and I like to think I helped him too. When I look back on my time in Eugene, He'll be the thing that I remember most. And every bone in my body is positive I'll see him again. I'm might even try to save enough money to fly out to see him. But it's just not going to be the same as seeing someone everyday. I just love him alot. And saying ~~goodbye~~ see you later was tough. I cried most of the was from Portland to Salem. And I woke up with puffy eyes.

So now there's an ice cube on my eyes.

I work tonight at 5pm, and then I have the next four days off. I'm thinking about going to the beach or something? We'll see....

Loves.

P.B.& J and a beer....

Sat, 19 May 2007 02:07:39 GMT

...is what I am dining on for dinner.
Currently watching old episodes of Roswell online. *cough*dork.*cough*
Not much going on tonight, I'm bored.
Tomorrow is my last day at the Bakery. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Saturday night my dad's band is playing in Salem.
Sunday I'm up in P-town promoting camp and hanging out.
And Monday, well Monday....

I START MY NEW JOB AT THE WANDERING GOAT!

Jessica out.

Not good, not bad. Just fine.

Wed, 16 May 2007 03:06:28 GMT

No job yet. I have an interview with Allan Bros. tomorrow, and I should find out about the Goat job tomorrow too! Gosh I hope I get that. Like more than anything. I'm so stressed about it, and I overdrew my account. Shiiiiiit.
Ate dinner with Kyra tonight. Fishermans market. Fish Tacos. Yummm.
Had about 3 americanos too many today.
But I cut my bangs, and they're short and cute.

I'm bored. Obviously....sorry this is lame.
....You....
// full name= jessica renee zenor
// born on= january twenty ninth nineteen eighty six
// today's date= may fifteenth two thousand seven
// astrological sign= aquarius
// eye colour= brown
// hair colour= brown

....Favorites....
// a color you like to wear= black, chocolate brown
// a flower you would like to grow in your garden= i dont have a garden, but i would like daisies
// your lucky number= 3
// a city you would like to visit= san francisco, i'll be sure to wear flowers in my hair
// music you prefer to listen to when alone= same things I listen to with people around...
// Best sex music= disney sing a long songs vol.2
// the singer or band(s) you listen to most= as of late: explosions in the sky,minus the bear,cat power, iron and wine.
// movie you can watch over and over= high fidelity
// your favorite outfit= usually a skirt or something pretty. i dont have a "set" outfit
// something you like to do on a Sunday= sleep and watch alias reruns on the tele.
// your cologne or perfume= my natural musk, i live in eugene...we dont believe in "deodorant" or "perfume"
// your strangest possession= i have no idea.
// your most prized possession= my guitar, my camera, my music
// your most expensive possession= my car
// if your house was on fire and you could only save 1 item what would it be = guitar

....Ego....
// your best qualities= i'm kind and caring
// worst qualities= i'm unconfrontational
// you get embarrassed when= i crash my bike
// makes you happy= family and friends, art, music
// upsets you= money

....Yes or NO....
// you keep a diary= yeah
// you like to cook= yes, i hardly do though...i live alone.
// you have a secret you have not shared with anyone?= probably
// you fold your underwear= no, it usually ends up on my floor, both clean and dirty...ew.
// you talk in your sleep= I think I have.I'm a light sleeper though, I've been known to wake myself up.
// you eat fast= usually.
// you set your watch a few minutes ahead= no watch
// you bite your fingernails= every once in a while
// you believe in love= yes
// you believe in love at first site= no

....last....
// movie you rented = ummm don't even remember, i dont rent movies.
// movie you bought = the pianist
// song you listened to = iron and wine on my ipod
// song that was stuck in your head = "shot through the heart and youre to blame, you give love a bad name..." ha, now its in your head.
// song you've downloaded = meh?
// cd you listened to = feist-the reminder
// person you've called = Aaron
// person that's called you = Aaron
// tv show you've watched = Oprahs on the tele. I'm not so much watching.
// person you were thinking of = Aaron, he's supposed to call?

....do....
// you have a bf or gf = nope
// you have a crush on someone = nope
// you wish you could live somewhere else = yes, everyday.
// you think about suicide = no
// you believe in online dating = not for me doll.
// you want more piercings = i want my ears gauged again, but my ears dont take well to it. so no.
// you want more tattoos = heck yeah i do!
// you do drugs = you do drugs? really...is that even a sentence? i feel like i'm in jersey! hey tony, you do drugs?
// you smoke = nope
// you like cleaning = its a necessity.
// you like roller coasters = i have the worst motion sickness.
// you write in cursive or print = sort of a mix
// you carry a donor card = no I want to though, if i die...donate my organs!!!!!!!

....for or against....
// long distance relationships = AGAINST!
// using someone = against
// suicide = against
// killing people = for! oh, wait i mean against.
// teenage smoking = i don't care
// doing drugs= people are free to make their own choices. i'm cool as long as it doesn't effect me.
// premarital sex = whatever...you aren't going to go to hell for having sex outside of marriage.
// driving drunk = against
// gay/lesbian relationships = for
// soap operas = against

....what....
// shampoo do you use = head and shoulders, i dont have dandruff peeps, just a dry scalp=too much coloring
// perfume do you use = see above
// shoes do you wear = flippyflops and flats
// are you scared of = band aids

....number....
// of times I have been in love? #of times i've said i've been in love: 4 #of times i've actually been in love: 2
// of times I have had my heart broken? 2
// of hearts I have broken? 2?
// of continents I have lived in? 1
// of drugs taken illegally? 1
// of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? 3?
// of people I consider my enemies? 0
// of people from high school that I stayed in contact with? 1?
// of cd's that I own? quite a few....
// of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? none?
// of scars on my body? 1 or 2.
// of things in my past that I regret? just 1.

Oh God, Where are you now?

Mon, 14 May 2007 22:56:17 GMT

So my daily blog has turned into more of a weekly thing. Which I am perfectly okay with. Truth is, I dont sit around as much as I used to. I prefer not being home. Especially when the sun is shining like it has been.

Let's see, so much going on I'm not sure where to start. I went to the Explosions In the Sky show, it was hands down the best concert I've EVER been to. They are incredible performers and musicians.

Seriously amazing. I can only compare it to really amazing worship, because thats what it felt like. And then I started to think to myself, "What if this is one of the mysterious ways that God reaches out to people?!" Because honestly, I know it sounds silly but I could definently feel something, and we are a generation reaching out. I dont know, that probably makes no sense at all. Just something I've been thinking on.

I quit my job. Yes, yes I did. This is my last week at the Bakery, and I couldnt be more relieved. I've just been so miserable thanks to our new bitch of a manager. It's been terrible and I'm sick of being told how incompatant I am. SO job hunting huh? Actually, I've had quite a few interviews. Every place I've applied actually. Mostly coffee shops. I had an interview at the Wandering Goat actually. Thats what I'm holding out for, positive manifestation.
So if youre the praying type, pray for me. I havent actually prayed in awhile. I haven't connected to God in awhile. I feel like I should feel guilty about that. But I really dont. I'm not mad at God, and He's not mad at me. It's just what it is right now.

I am still doing Pro-Crew over the summer still. Actually, I am going to some churches to promote on Sunday with Laura. I wish I could just not have to worry about money and work at camp all summer. If only.

Aaron got the job in Japan. He's teaching English at a school in Fujiyosida, near Mt.Fuji. I'm very happy for him, but so sad he's leaving. Especially because he leaves the 30th of May, like two weeks?! Oh man, I'm not sure what I'm going to do without him. He's been my most influential and closest friend in Eugene. And I plan on staying in close contact with him. Plus, bonus, he's leaving me his stereo and record player, plus all his records. But things just wont be the same without him. That's all.

I kinda just want this week to be over already. I feel so restless. All the time.
It's kinda sad that nothing I do ever feels right. Like I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing, so I'm in this awkward transition phase, I've never really been content with anything. I can't really remember a time I haven't felt that way. Is that just how life is? Or is that just growing up?

hippie, hippie, hooray.

Thu, 03 May 2007 23:19:45 GMT

Time for an update I guess.

Went to the Minus the Bear concert. It was AMAZING. Well, they were amazing. The other bands...mmm, not so much. Tonight is Explosions In The Sky. Soooo excited.

I also saw Pan's Labyrinth in the theater. It was really great.

Except for this guy....

ew.

Brittney turned 21! Heres some pics from that.

Amie, Britt and I are now doing weekly dinners. Next week its tacos at mi casa.

Here's the last graphic I did. Sort of a study of shapes. (phone pic)

I like the top one better, very comic-bookish.

Other than that, I got nothing.

The Earth is not a cold dead place.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 01:03:20 GMT

I guess I should update. I havent all week and it's usually a daily thing for me.
I've just been really busy this week. And I haven't been, or really wanted to be, home.
And today was really my first day off all week. I just kind of relaxed today. Did some laundry.
I even painted my toenails.

I've been hanging out with Aaron a lot this week. It amazing how close we've become in just these few months. He's really unlike anyone I've ever known. I'm simply going to miss the heck out of him when he leaves. (He's going to Japan to teach english). But I am so happy for him too. Anyway, my point is that I adore him.

I felt creative today, and made a new shirt using a stencil. It's pretty sweet.

Sarge and Kyra want one too.
And I'm about to go meet them for coffee @ the goat.
If my life were a tv show, that would be the hang out place.
The "central perk" to my "friends".

But I told my dad I would post a couple more graphic I drew.
One of George Harrison. Which I think kind of looks like Elvis.

and Mr.JazzMan.

Meh. It's ok.

Well, I gotta run. Just thought I would say a quick hello though.
Hope you all have a great week.
.much.

art is a reflex

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 04:56:58 GMT

I love Art.
There are so many things I love about art.
But mostly, I love the way it makes me feel.
It helps me forget all my troubles and cares.
My heartache and sadness.
I'm just focused and happy.
Satisfied. And I rarely am satisfied.
In design, we are learning about "lines" and "forms".
We are doing a project making graphics, using shadows.
Today, I drew this. And I love it.
::phone pic::

LOVE IT!
And the original picture I drew from:

Today was actually a pretty amazing day. I woke up in a really good mood. I was happy all morning through work. After work, I came home and showered and headed to the darkroom. I developed two rolls of film without screwing up the prints. My design class was awesome, as you can see, quite enjoyable. And then I went to the Goat and worked on designs all night. Aaron was there, and it was good to see him because I havent seen him in awhile. I'm scheduled to cut his hair next monday. Aw, I can't help but love the kid.

With that said, tomorrow I must clean house because mom's coming and I'd feel bad for having a messy place. Actually, the only thing I need to clean is the bathroom, because I live pretty neatly surprisingly.

I've found that growing up means falling down.

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 03:50:00 GMT

I feel like I should update. Because I haven't in a couple days.
So whats new?
I started school, and its giving me an outlet to apply myself. I really enjoy it.
I've also been looking into the Art Institute of Denver, CO. The lady actually called me today. I havent called back yet. I am debating between Colorado and California. Colorado would probably be more affordable, but california has better opportunities?! Maybe, who knows? I just want out of here.
Friday I got up at the crack of dawn and went on a drive out toward Florence. I had to shoot some landscapes for an assignment. I am going to go into the darkroom after work tomorrow and develop. I am excited to see how it all turns out. I was walking this really muddy trail out in nowhere'sville and almost lost my shoes in the muddy quicksand.

Saturday and Sunday were spent working and resting.
I could lie and say I was tired from the week before.
But really, I spent the weekend being really sad.
I am just incredably alone all the time.
All the time.
And I cry out to God to feel.
To feel something other than emptiness.
He hears me and does nothing.
And I'm so lost and scared.
And sad.

Today was better though.
Not good but better.
I went and had coffee at the Goat with Kyra and Sarge. We did homework like we always do.
My mommy's coming to stay with me Wednesday until Friday because she has a conference.
I'm excited, because well, it kinda sucks living alone.
And now I dont have to sleep with the lights on.

I kid.
No really.